My Future Life Partner

I was recently advised by a dear childhood friend and happiness coach (ML) to list out the feelings and emotions I would like to have when being together with my future life partner, as a way of sending forth my desires to the universe, with the faith that the energy from my thoughts in this message shall be emitted and thus will be answered by Her, in order for me to meet him (if I have not done so already) and eventually be with him.

Another friend had referred to the Law of Attraction, while another reference “An Open Letter to My Future Husband”. In any case, this is me articulating my desires in this post; I am optimistic there is at least one man out there with a similar desire and with a wish list that fits me during this lifetime.

Dear Universe,

These are the following attributes (in no particular order) of feelings and emotions I would like to have when I am with my life partner: loved, safe, cherished, blissful, confident, proud/pride, happy, adventurous, joyful, passionate, secure, sated, accepted, relaxed, awed, interested, satisfied, comfortable, serene, tranquil, gratitude, hopeful, kind, affectionate, pleasurable, cheerful, euphoric, inspired, valued, respected, treasured, amused, beautiful, desirable.

I would like to have the above be reciprocal for him towards me too.

There are other secondary items in my predilection/wish list, such as a preference that he be tall (at least 5’11” and above), while in connection to me that he be kind, intelligent, dependable, generous, patient, understanding, appreciate art & literature, like dogs, enjoys traveling, is sexually compatible, does not snore too loudly and most importantly, able to get along with my parents (and family).

Last but not least, that both of us be in good health and able to enjoy a meaningful life together for a lengthy amount of time.

I express my desires to you, dear Universe, with love, accepting the outcomes you deign to bless me with. Thank you.

With humble gratitude; I believe!

VLSS

King of My Heart

I met a man who made my soul dance on clouds in the moonlight, and in my complete submission, ruled my very being as I “crowned him with my heart”. I cannot help but to reference two songs by Sade, “Kiss of Life” and “Your Love is King” for the way I felt (and continue to feel), and a song which I have been listening to lately by Daiyan Trisha, called “Stargazing”, in which the lyrics are so poignantly perfect.

I never expected this to happen and yet it did, and this has made me grateful to God and the universe for the opportunity to meet this gentle, beautiful soul, and I want the world to know that D will be forever in my heart and mind.

I marvel at how we even met, how our paths crossed; such was an unconventional encounter that there were instances when I was doubtful to proceed for weeks and yet there was an inner voice in me that whispered, why not? I allowed myself to open up and trust this person completely, which is very uncharacteristic for those who know me well. In doing so, he shared much of himself, more so than I did him. There was no judgment between us, only tender understanding, passion and love.

My heart was heavy when I had to say good bye to D. We were on the sidewalk outside of my home, where his friend was waiting to drive him to the airport. He enveloped me in a tight hug and lifted me up so I could bury my face into his neck, to inhale his scent for the last time, and for one last kiss. He said that he would never forget me and my heart felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces.

How could I forget the aqua of his eyes, especially when they were burning into mine, dilated with desire? He has an easy smile, which deepened a dimple with a scar on his right cheek. Skin so firm and smooth, with parts textured with scarification and tattoos of mantras and mystic symbols. D was so matured and wise for his age, and with his newfound beliefs and yoga lifestyle, his calmness and self-possession infused into my own equanimity. It is hard to believe that he was born during my last semester in college. I wonder what he saw in me, and what effect I had on him.

If only he knew the depth of the impact he had on me. I did tell him how beautiful, sexy and incredible he was, and how he made me feel – something I consciously did often while we were together. Yet there were things left unsaid, like how he made me float on clouds of happiness for days after, how he managed to impart a deep sense of peace and serenity, and completely satiated an ardor beyond compare.

I wear his gift as a pendant, a vertebra of an unknown sea creature, which he had found a series of on the beach. To be honest, I am not sure how long I would wear it for; it will always remind me of him. Thank you, God, for the gift of D in my life, however brief and intense a time it was. I wish and pray for God to continue to watch over D, and Bless him abundantly always.

Strange Love, Twisted

It is said that Love Makes The World Go Round. Of course, this mainly refers to romantic love.

I look around at couples who are partnered and married and wonder what kind of romantic love they share, and at what stage of love they are at. I have had many discussions with friends on the difference of loving someone versus being in love with someone. In my opinion, in relationships, we begin by falling in love. This then matures into an enduring kind of love through time. Sustaining love in a relationship takes work; it is like a fire that needs constant stoking and replenishment, with trust, commitment, thoughtful words and endearments, kind gestures, meaningful action, sharing the good and the bad, compromise and sacrifice by both partners. As a relationship ends, two people are no longer in love with each other. However, some may still continue to love the other, in their own way. For some, their love withered and died.

In ‘The Mountain Shadow’ by Gregory David Roberts, there is a line that struck a chord in me: “Regret is a ghost of love”. As I listen to the beautiful soulful voice of Patti Labelle singing ‘If Only You Knew’, I reflect back on my own experiences with romantic love and the regrets I have in love.

Well then. Yes, there are a few. But nothing significant that keeps me awake at night; they do not hold me back from living life to the fullest. Am I heartless? No. Have I ever been truly in love? Yes. Do I have a twisted view of love? Definitely.

The most profound kind of love that I have experienced so far is reflected in the story of two of my favorite books – ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand and ‘Shantaram’ by Gregory David Roberts. It is difficult for me to articulate the depth in which these two books strongly resonate in me. Maybe one day in the future I hope to be able to do so fully.

For now, all I can say is that in my own experiences with love, there was joy…and also pain and heartache. Pain in the uncleaving, pain in the yearning, pain in knowing that such exquisite love with a soul mate is not strong enough to keep us together. Pain in having to let go so that the other person is able to continue his journey to achieve his goals in life, even if that meant it was not with me. Heartache in giving up a man, whom being with at the time was a distraction in fulfilling my own goals.

I do know that ever since I read ‘The Fountainhead’ in my teens, it has defined me and my view of love in many ways. The men I fell in love with and the type that I am strongly attracted to, have been similar to Roark. As for the list of men I have been involved with, they were ‘fillers’ at best, which would explain why they did not last long. Never mind the fact that I have a short attention span. Good looking men, men with delicious muscular physiques, charming men with money, are great for a while. What keeps me interested is their ability to stimulate the cerebral part of me.

I chuckle now as I recall the multitude of men I have met, who have as much personality and wit of a cucumber. Like, seriously?

For those of you who have yet to fall in love, or be in love, or be in a(nother) loving relationship, stay hopeful. I do.

For everyone else out there, I wish for you to be as blessed as I am, to be surrounded by love from family, friends and pets.